Chapter 8

Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious oil upon the head, coming down upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard, coming down upon the edge of his robes. It is like the dew of Hermon, coming down upon the mountains of Zion, for there the Lord commanded the blessing –life forever.         ~Psalm 133

 Purpose Statement: The dynamics of sexuality and intercourse affect the atmosphere of our homes and lay foundations for stability or brokenness. What kind of song comprises the background music to your life? Are you living to the tune of eternity or longing to the tune of alone?

I can’t carry a tune, but I love to sing! In my youth, ballads like Cat’s in the Cradle, Bye, Bye Miss American Pie, and Piano Man filled the airwaves. Now, music from that era draws me into nostalgia.

At university in 1979, I joined friends attending a music festival in Wilmore, Kentucky. We were a motley group of thousands camping on the Ichthus Farm. I don’t remember precisely what Tom Skinner said, but I remember that lying in my tent, he spoke of life’s meaning and that God values and loves individuals. Even me? I contemplated my life: parties, women, and succeeding in school. For what? To please my father? No, that wasn’t happening, and I certainly wasn’t trying to please God. My dad was difficult enough! The emptiness I felt, as compared to the fullness of life these Christians claimed, contrasted starkly. The music of my life was somewhat a dirge compared to the dance of these radicals! While I was laboring for something that seemed just outside my grasp, they genuinely cared for one another, frequently speaking of and celebrating God’s greatest gift! Would God give us good things, even though we don’t deserve them? I wondered in the afternoon sunset, with Andrus Blackwood & Co. singing praises to God in the distance. Could it be that God cares and knows me? Bob Dylan sings, “The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,” these Christians live like it’s always that close! I pondered that all of creation is a statement of God’s power and His personal love. Is the most ardent song in life really about God becoming one with us in the flesh? Could Jesus’ life be as significant as that?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved music. Dancing was taboo in our home, but as an innocent three-year-old, I got my grandparents to dance just once, until we were caught! Unable to process it, then, for the first time, I witnessed feelings of shame surrounding the passionate expression of dance. Playing a favorite toddler’s album, I pulled my grandma to dance with me and Grandpa to follow.  When my parents entered the room, feeling exposed and violating their own rules, they both sat down quickly!

Growing up, I had little time for the songs and poetry in the Bible. Though I learned that the Song of Songs, Psalms, and Proverbs were God’s words, the passages we valued most highly were straightforward and instructive, like the books of Romans and Philippians and the words of Jesus found in the Gospels.

To appreciate poetry requires analysis and emotional investment. I remember the president of our leadership team at University enthusiastically reading Psalm 133. He seemed to genuinely relate to the metaphor of good relationships: “sweet as the honey dripping in Aaron’s beard!”  A little over the top! I thought. I couldn’t engage with the words to identify with this passage. Daily practice, band camp, exams, and concerts each were anticipated: events worth my attention. But analyzing words of poetry, letting my guard down in the vulnerability of dance? These were a different story, something for which I had little energy.

Looking back, those closest to me avoided intense connection and vulnerable exposure. Analyzing words and emotions felt was a waste of time, and dancing created dangerous spaces for passionate connection. The fears I embraced are now obvious. At the time, I considered my overly cautious nature evidence of healthy boundaries: safeguards against sin. I had no idea my intolerance for emotional connection would keep me spiritually disconnected from those closest to my heart and even God.

“So, what do you do at a wedding if you don’t dance?!” my future sister-in-law had asked. Eventually, I learned to dance, and I learned the value of connection and passionate expression. Fears no longer dominate the song of my life. Now, I consider impassioned interaction good, indeed necessary, for spiritual health.

Songs flow from our lives. The melody may be attractive as we harmonize with others. Out of sync, life songs progress into discordant variations. The dynamics of life songs punctuate our emotions and flow from passions lying in wait. The Image of God begs passionate expression. Artistically, athletically, personalities, and within structures of management and economics, the Image of God draws people toward one another to connect at those places of shared ground and common experiences. When relationships lack unity, God’s Image awaits and longs for opportunities to unite. Unexpressed in positive connection, a void remains, and the emptiness waits to be filled.

            By its very essence, God’s Image is expressed powerfully. However, apart from God’s Spirit, its compelling nature surrounds relationships with shame and fear, creating division and defensive patterns. And these dominate the ways we relate. Lives are changed by passionate expression. Homes are either established and flourish, or progressively destroyed by the power of our God-Image expressed with His Spirit leading or in His absence. Our passionate natures dominate homes and relationships and comprise the impact of each life’s song. In marriage, husbands and wives establish an environment that influences their children. Right or wrong, life songs are felt as normal by the next generation and become what is expected and accepted. Not functioning in the unity God intends, our comprehension of His Image degenerates with each generation.

            Restoring the songs of our lives to something consistent with God’s design establishes security and anticipates the completion of His good work. Finding fulfillment in being zakar and neqebah, humankind would better reflect God’s passionate nature. Inviting us into His family, God moves meaningfully to create what He orchestrated from the beginning, a symphonic masterpiece, loving one another in community: the family of God.

Songs for Life

Psalm 118 ~Unchanging Love in Changing Circumstances

In this Psalm, the Psalmist acknowledges the hardship of daily circumstances and promises God’s love is eternal and our source of hope and strength.

Read Psalm 118.

• What do verses 1-4 say about God’s dependability?
• Verse six says, “I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” How do people create fear in your life?
• What practices in this Psalm can influence the song of your life? (vs. 4, 6-8, 17, 19-29)
• When we take refuge in the Lord, how does that affect those who oppose us? (vs. 10-12)
•  What does verse 14 say about God’s place in my life?
• What does the Psalmist say God will do for the one who trusts Him during challenging times? (vs. 5, 8-9 13)
• Not all challenges involve chastisement, but verse 18 indicates that some do. What does verses 19-21 suggest about God’s plan, even in times of discipline?
• How should this knowledge affect our response to God? (vs. 24)

Our salvation is a marvelous thing that God accomplished! Verse 22 is prophetic. Jesus, the Lord God in the flesh, is the cornerstone who is often rejected. Responding rightly, you and I build God’s sanctuary, and the songs of our lives become a means of worshipping Him. With a view of our bodies as God’s temple, Jesus’ way of living with others is foundational to health.

His love endures. Enduring love is affirmed and grows through difficulty. Jesus showed us how this looks. It’s genuine. It’s connected. It’s powerful because it draws strength from the One who understands the beginning from the end: everlasting!

His love endures forever!

Read Matthew 22:38-40

• What one thing sums up the laws of the Bible?

It’s no wonder God uses the concept of marriage to communicate the essence of His love. Clark and Johnson (2015) say, “The marriage between Christ and the church possesses cosmic redemptive significance, …a union that runs into eternity. [Our Triune] God began creation with a marriage, he redeemed a fallen creation through a marriage, and he will finally consummate his unfathomable love for us in an everlasting marriage (pp. 223).

Not everyone will marry, humanly speaking, but everyone is invited to participate in Jesus’ marriage, spiritually speaking.[a] His love endures. Will married love endure? In the flesh, not often, because so many life songs are lived with our spirits separated from one another, in dissonance. When it comes to the marriage to our eternal groom, Jesus’ love endures forever. And God says He is the cornerstone for all that matters. Regardless of status and circumstance, understanding what marriage represents spiritually is critical for a healthy life song. Like no other marriage, Christ’s love for the church remains steadfast even through hardship.

The Song of Songs ~ a wedding song

This story of King Solomon and his beloved is a passionate drama of romantic human love that is God-ordained. Not perfect but good. It’s passionate and smiled upon by God Himself.

Chapters 1-3 of this song flashback from their wedding to their courtship days, highlighting their admiration for one another. The wedding takes place somewhere between chapters four and five. Chapters 6-8 chronicle the relationships’ deep passions, growing understandings, and even the misunderstandings that can occur in a steadfast love relationship.

Read 4:16 through 5:1

• Notice the bride’s invitation to her husband-to-be in the last verse of chapter four.
• Notice the husband’s words of deep satisfaction after uniting with his bride.
• Note that the final words of 5:1 are not Solomon’s words. Who spoke these words?

Who speaks these words needs to be identified; it is unclear. Since this is the Word of God, we confidently say God spoke these words, encouraging couples to find deep pleasure in their physical union. God blesses and encourages sexual union in marriage. Couples honor Him by mutually connecting their hearts and bodies in God-ordained unity.

Throughout this dramatic poem, husband and wife delight in one another’s beauty and sexual union. They experience the joy of love and commitment and the frustration and confusion of rejection, jealousy, and isolation.[b] In each instance, what the couple returns to may be summed up by Song of Songs 2:4.

He brings me to His banquet, and His banner over me is love!

The story of Solomon and his bride doesn’t end with conclusions or weighty resolution; life goes on. Notice the bride’s last words to her lover from Song of Songs 8:14. The beloved wife says to her faithful husband. Despite the heartache recounted in previous chapters, the bride desires her husband to take her away to enjoy the romantic pleasure of their genuine relationship. John Piper (2005) says, “The gigantic secret of the joy of sex is this: Sex is good because the God who created sex is good. And God is glorified greatly when we receive his gift with thanksgiving— for the gift points back to the God who gave it— and enjoy it the way he meant it to be enjoyed” (pp 48-49).

Proverbs 5 ~Instructions from the King

These are King Solomon’s instructions regarding sexuality. Though penned for the benefit of Solomon’s children, these are words of wisdom from God to you and me.

Read Proverbs 5:15-19.

• What are these verses talking about?
• What purposes for sexual intercourse do you identify in this passage?
• What pointed instruction does God repeatedly give for sexual expression?

God’s words apply to both husbands and wives. Remain faithful and enjoy. The sacrament of sex between a man and wife is intended to bring great pleasure! Recreational and a means of producing offspring, honoring sex as a sacrament celebrates covenant love.

Remain faithful and enjoy!

God’s pictures in these songs demonstrate His impassioned desire. Our life song should focus on faithful love, which is our source of strength and security. While only God’s love never fails, human love is no less real and a definite need. Romantic love, patterned after Christ’s love for the church, tangibly expresses the wonder of heartfelt unity.

God’s Purposes for the Sexual Experience

Let’s conclude God’s purposes for the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. From the passages below, note three biblically identified purposes for sex.

		What Does It Say?	What’s the Biblical Purpose?
1	Genesis 1:28	Be Fruitful!
2	Proverbs 5:18 and Song of Songs 5:1	Enjoy & Be Filled!
3	Ephesians 5:31-32	It’s Mystery! Christ & the Church

#1 ~Procreation

The Bible and life experience illustrate God’s hearty approval and mandate to fill the earth with blessings, in the form of tiny humans, that result from our physical union. Christopher West (2004) affirms children as God’s gift that physically evidences the spiritual unity of two becoming one. “God created us male [zakar] and female [neqebah] so that we could image his love by becoming a sincere gift to each other. This sincere giving establishes a “communion of persons” not only between the sexes but also – in the natural course of events – with a “third” who proceeds from them both. In this way, sexual love becomes an icon or earthly image in some sense of the inner life of the Trinity” (p. 8).

No matter what situation surrounds their conception, children remind us of God’s design and invitation to join Him in the act of creation. In the union of the Trinity, children offer us reasons to celebrate life and a chance to begin again. New beginnings are what redemption is all about! Every time physical union results in a child, it’s an opportunity for change as we learn to understand and accommodate the developing relationship He brings into our lives.

Children remind us of God’s invitation to join Him!

No child is a mistake. Every child is an opportunity to see God work His process of sanctification. God uses our kids to teach self-control and cause us to step back and evaluate ourselves in the greater scheme of our existence. Children often reflect their parents: similar, yet different. They are bound to keep us accountable to what motivates us if we’re willing to listen honestly.

#2 ~Recreation

‘Recreation’ is a fascinating term. Meaning “to refresh oneself by some amusement,” it has French and Latin origins. Included in these origins are concepts of refreshing, restoring, and invigorating.[1] Recreation comes from the base word recreate, which combines the prefix “re-” (meaning again) and the stem “create” (to make, produce, and beget).[2] Recreation is a noun form of “creating something again.” With these thoughts in mind, I can’t help wondering whether, at a time long past, the concept of recreation as we know it originated from the enjoyment and benefit of sexual intercourse.

Create again… Refresh… Restore… Invigorate…

#3 ~Symbolic Spiritual Significance

Ephesians 5:23-32 contains profound and symbolic truths for marriage. There is submission and sacrificial love from both partners to such an extent that there is spiritual cleansing and personal growth. Mutual submission to one another’s needs culminates in the mystery of two becoming one physically. “Sex without love is meaningless,” says former international model Jennifer Strickland (2016). “It cheapens the mystery. In its deepest meaning, sex is an expression of unity laced by grace. It is, as the Bible describes, ‘the mystery of Christ and the church’” (pp. 218-219). Sex as a sacrament is a vivid reminder of the Biblical Picture, His character, and His love for the church. Sex as a sacrament is a means to experience unified love that is sacrificial for the good of another. Honoring the Biblical Picture in this way, physically and emotionally, points to the sacred relationship with our eternal groom.

The Sacrament of Sex  a vivid reminder of God’s intimate love

Songs Above All Songs for Life

Every relationship flows from our sexuality. The music of zakar and neqebah in communities is punctuated by emotions that flow from our drives. Building on one another’s strengths, lives are attuned to the community. With this broader perspective, even discord can move into something good, drawing people to understand the beauty of diversity. The Song Above All Songs is that song which points to Christ. In marriage, it is the dynamics of a man and wife coming together as one in every way. This melody sets the tone for homes and resulting families. Similarly, for singles, it is the dynamics of interacting with others for the glory of God. In and out of families, we’re created to passionately express what He’s given each person to benefit a more incredible family, the Family of God.

Physically: Sexual intercourse should be a place where melodies of life and love are composed and learned. When a man and woman come together physically, it’s an act of worship and invites God to create. We see this regularly in and outside of marriage. Who it worships and is credited with creation is determined by the participants. Within a marriage commitment, God designed the melody of family life to be that of security and sacrificial love. Homes are a place of belonging when couples establish patterns that unselfishly love one another and their resultant family. For singles, a choice for physical abstinence focuses on the eternal marriage and the security and belonging we have as Jesus’ bride. Singles will be most fulfilled as they honor God in their family-like relationships in the communities God has placed them.

Within a marriage commitment, God designed the melody of family life to be that of security and sacrificial love. Contrary to the “just do it” philosophy, sex, as God proposes, is not easy or natural. Composing God’s melody for marriage requires a consistent laying down of self on behalf of another. This is sacrifice. In marriage, this looks like a strong sense of commitment and lots of other-focused communication. For singles, the sacrifice sets aside expectations for an-‘other’ perspective that prioritizes their eternal groom, Jesus.

Within a marriage commitment, God designed the melody of family life to be that of security and sacrificial love.

In other words, single or married, the composition of one’s marriage song happens through diligent learning and adapting as we pattern our life relationships after Christ. Expressing the essence of being united in a harmonious melody is impossible without the personal change that happens when we focus on Christ and adapt to one another because of our mutually enduring love! Focusing on Christ, when God blesses physical union with a child, in every circumstance, that new life is a reason to celebrate and rejoice in the work of God.

Read Jesus’ words of John 10:10

• How does God’s purpose compare to that of His enemy?

Mentally: Interacting with others creates the harmonies and dissonance of life. The act of coming together in sexual intercourse is a mutual choice; it’s a duet that God says to enjoy with one life partner. Duets are better with practice because practice creates a shared understanding of the song and the ability to anticipate your partner’s next note. Duets require discipline and self-control for the musicians to remain in sync. The marriage duet requires men keep their minds free of physical images. Women must protect themselves from emotional fantasy. Both men and women should be careful of life pursuits that don’t reflect God’s purposes. Commitments to safeguarding one’s thoughts keep marriages free of unfair comparisons and contrived ideals.

Making this choice early in life is an act of protection that sets foundations for healthy patterns in life’s relationships. Proactively pursuing God-honoring relationships creates patterns for God-honoring families.

Commitments to safeguarding one’s thoughts keep marriages free of unfair comparisons and contrived ideals.

Habits of fantasy and pursuing ideals that distract from God’s ideals become unhealthy means of coping with loneliness and conflict. These patterns are debilitating, and relationships suffer. Married and single people resort to these patterns under challenging times, creating habits that are hard to break, even addictive. Breaking these patterns requires focusing on something of greater strength and meaning: our eternal groom and human relationships that will keep us accountable to Kingdom goals as Jesus had.

Read Psalm 101:1-3a

• What part of this passage stands out to you?

Emotionally: Great composers fill their music with dynamics, the louds, softs, staccato notes, and slurs that give music feeling and mood. Dynamics allow listeners to identify with the composition. They reflect the composer’s inspiration as well as the artist’s interpretation. With few dynamics, an arrangement fails to draw listeners together in a shared understanding and lacks passion.

God inspires us to love with gifts that make our passionate expression unique. Sharing our talents creates space for people to come together. Our emotions comprise the dynamics of our life’s song; they are the source of feeling. Positive emotions support human connection; negative ones are painful and a reason to disconnect. Hot or icy cold, emotions either draw people together or send us running apart. In health, positive and negative life dynamics are felt, embraced, and processed. Whether unpleasant or gratifying, all emotions are necessary for understanding.

Read Revelations 3:15-16.

• Does God value the extremes of our emotions?
• What does it say about the lukewarm person?

Shame researcher Brené Brown says it’s impossible to cut off negative emotions without severing the ability to enjoy positive ones. Her research indicates that people experience personal worth in connection as they live wholeheartedly. According to Dr. Brown, connection happens, and life is most satisfying when people are willing to embrace vulnerability in honest relationships.[3] God considers dulled emotions an abomination since, without embracing our feelings, we cannot connect and come to understand our great worth!

Unpleasant or deeply gratifying, all emotions are necessary for understanding.

Sex involves its own dynamics. Outside of marriage, these dynamics have no eternal significance; they rarely last “until death do we part” and are often “mismatched” and defeating.[4] In marriage, aside from a sacred experience, sex is frequently a point of contention. In health, when sex is a sacrament, it becomes a source of strength and seals the commitment. How a couple handles communication surrounding sex sets the tone for understanding in other areas. All family relationships are affected by the tension and strain of an unhealthy sex life. Likewise, mutual love and respect patterned in a healthy sex life serve to stabilize a family’s dynamics.

Sex is both a physical and emotional investment. The dynamics of a couple’s sex life will seal the marriage covenant, serving as the glue cementing two as one. Or, in brokenness, emotions surrounding the couple will drive the relationship apart.

Spiritually: A symphony combines various instruments into one great expression of beauty and emotion. Well-presented compositions testify to the hard work and commitment of individual musicians who brought the performance together. Even those less inclined to the classics can appreciate the magnificent dynamics of many musicians expressing one intricate, harmonious melody. God designed us sexually and spiritually, orchestrating many people from all walks of life into one grand overture bound by His grace and love. Christopher West reminds us,” the union of the sexes is a ‘great mystery’ that takes us into the heart of God’s plan for the cosmos (Eph 5:31-32) …and expresses and perceives spiritual realities through physical signs and symbols” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, n.1146).”[5] Singles, widows, and even children are no less sexual than those entwined in the complexity of a marriage commitment. Spiritual wholeness chooses to appreciate our diversity that only God can hold together.

Read Romans 12:3-6, 16 &18, or if you are familiar with this passage, fill in the blanks as you read:

• For through the ____________ given to me, I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have____________ ____________ as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. For just as we have many members in ­­­­­­­­____________ ____________ and all the members ____________ ____________ have the same function, so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and __________________________________________________________________(vs. 5). ⁶Since we have gifts that differ according to the ____________ given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly… ¹⁶ Be of the ____________ ____________ toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly…¹⁸ If possible, so far as it depends on you, ____________  ____________ ____________ with all men.

Read Colossians 1:16-18, or if you are familiar with this passage, fill in the blanks as you read:

• He is the  ____________ of the invisible God, the  ____________ over all creation. For by Him all things  ____________ ____________: in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities: all things were created by  ____________  and for  ____________. He is before all things, and in Him  ____________  ____________  ____________  ____________ (vs. 17).

 God designed us sexually and spiritually, orchestrating many people from all walks of life into one grand overture bound by His grace and love.

The meaning of sex is far greater than one couple isolated in the privacy of their bedroom. We develop and learn a wealth of skills and understanding in our homes and families. When a couple functions in health, even in the unique dynamics of physical love, they’ll begin to demonstrate skills and establish healthy emotions surrounding their family’s dynamic. The benefits of Trinitarian Love exceed their relationship, reaching family members, who then influence communities. Without the understanding established by Trinitarian Love, families and communities are driven apart.

Conclusion

Choosing to follow God’s plan results in a greater understanding of unity. Our desire for unity is His Image, the remnant of Tri-unity that remains within us. It creates the longings from which the songs of our lives emerge. God reveals His plan as we practice and develop His song for marriage and then perfect that song in our communities. Whether married or single, with God as the focus of our life song, He gives clarity as we come together in the way He designed.

Our desire for unity is the remnant of Tri-unity that remains within us creating longings from which the songs of our lives emerge.

The symbolic significance of the sexual relationship is a vital part of understanding God’s plan. God’s enemy has succeeded in keeping the significance of our sexuality hidden. Sex has moved far into the realm of self-seeking and personal pleasure. For many, sex is isolating, even devastating. Still, I’m compelled to ask: is it heretical to think of sex as a spiritual act, a sacrament that points us to God’s way of living and loving each other as one? God created sex and put powerful pieces in place. Sex can be a healing act of unity and worship to His glory, representing Christ and His gift of righteousness to the church! What sex means to you is a personal choice with far-reaching impact.

Time for Reflection

• What comprises the melody of your life song (physical expression of sexuality)? Does it honor God’s picture and plan for grace? It’s never too late—you can begin today!
• What comprises the harmony and dissonance of your life song (mental ideas of sexuality)? How did these ideas and concepts form?

• What comprises the dynamics of your life song (the emotions surrounding your most important relationships)? Are you embracing your emotions or cutting them off?
• How do these affect the climate of your home and relationships?
• In your opinion, who does sex represent the most, you or someone else? Is it primarily physical, or is sex spiritual? Could it be a sacrament that celebrates God and His plan?
• Pray about your life song. Ask God to guide you to experience the goodness of His song for your life and that of your family members.

End Notes

[a] Matthew 22:1-14, 25:1-13, Revelation 19:7

[b] Song of Songs 5:6-8, 8:6-7

Foot Notes

[1] Douglas Harper (2001-2016). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved from: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?allowed_in_frame=0&search=recreation&searchmode=none on 20 January 2016.

[2] Douglas Harper (2001-2016). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved from: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?allowed_in_frame=0&search=create&searchmode=none. 20 January 2016.

[3] [TEDx Houston]. (2010, December). Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability. [Video File]. Retrieved from: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability/transcript?language=en on 31 May 2017.

[4] Drs. Parrott, L., & Parrot, L. (May 2013). The 5 Biggest Areas of Conflict for Couples, Relevant Magazine. Retrieved from: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/5-biggest-areas-conflict-couples  . 24 October 2015.

[5] West, C. (2004). Theology of the Body for Beginners, A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II’s Sexual Revolution.West Chester. Ascension Press. (Pg. 3)

Cited in Text

Clark, J; Johnson, M.P. (2015). The Incarnation of God: The Mystery of the Gospel as the Foundation of Evangelical Theology. Wheaton. Crossway. Kindle Edition. (p. 223).

Piper, J.; Taylor, J. (2005). Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. Wheaton, IL: Crossway. Kindle Edition. (pp. 48-49).

West, C. (2004). Theology of the Body for Beginners, A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II’s Sexual Revolution. West Chester. Ascension Press. (Pg. 8)

Strickland, J. (2016). 21 Myths (Even Good) Girls Believe about Sex: Pursuing Love with Passion and Purity. Barbour Publishing, Inc. Kindle Edition. (pp. 218-219).

 

 

Unpublished work, copyright 2024 Greg and Carlene Seghers