Chapter 7

Earthly love is so passionate because Heaven is full of passion, of energy and dynamism.[1]

-Peter Kreeft, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Heaven

 

Purpose Statement: God’s passionate design is equally reflected in men and women and begs meaningful expression. Single and married, passionate expression draws like-minded hearts together into a cohesive community. The dynamics of mutual understanding and submission value the individual and the diversity each offers.

My passionate drive is physical. When I am with my wife, every synaptic gap explodes and neurotransmitters thrill with life and love! Beyond breathtaking, our sex life in the context of the Gospel is much more satisfying than when sex was about physical pleasure. Still intensely physical, sex is now equally spiritual and points to something deeply meaningful. The addictive qualities of my physical drive are a means of steadfast commitment and honor that is binding rather than empty. The fulfillment we share lasts and motivates us to pursue one another with patience and understanding.

My primary drive is emotional. I live to see, hear, taste and touch emotional connection. Seeing my husband wash dishes because he knows how overwhelming my day has been warms my heart. Words of affirmation when facing feelings of inadequacy give me the assurance I need to accept myself in difficult situations. Savoring my favorite chocolate bar or smelling rose gardenias brought “…just because” lightens my step. A warm embrace when I feel like crying, a hand squeezed when confidence wanes, and a special touch reminding me that I’m not alone; each lifts my spirit in meaningful connection.

For years, unmet emotional needs complicated my ability to receive physical displays of affection from my husband. To rationalize away the void, I evaluate relationships by behaviors I could measure rather than feelings. This behavior-based filter, in the context of my husband’s drive, translated an adoring pat, gentle squeeze, or unexpected hug into: “I want sex” and feelings of scarcity. Instead of supportive and assuring, these felt more like demands (instead of sharing), and communicated that “I’m never enough” (instead of “you’re invaluable, just as you are”). Though I needed connection and even physical affirmation, my ‘self’-ish perspective didn’t trust his motives.

As Mandla consistently returned to address my emotional needs first, our drives became equally consuming and mutually satisfying.  He enabled me to trust, and my filter became less necessary. I discovered that passionate touch is good, and even that I have a physical drive! We experienced the Gospel relevantly by addressing one another’s deepest needs; it created a redeeming dynamic in our home. We haven’t arrived and continue to discover new ways to glory in redemptive behavior, but our relationships have changed, and God has worked good things out of some bad stuff. At the heart is a new atmosphere; sexual intercourse is an act of worshipping God for what He’s done, past, present, and future!

Defining needs by physical actions makes sense because actions are more definitive than emotions, which frequently change with circumstances. Nonetheless, emotional needs are as real and equally defining as physical needs. Both are necessary for spiritual connection. Emotionally and physically, unmet needs become vacuums begging to be filled. Coping without the satisfaction of needs met creates unhealthy patterns and longing. Each of us is zealous for something that yearns for expression: remnants of God’s Image that remain. The connection of our spirits is the life that went missing from the beginning. We crave the breath of God to connect our spirits once again!

Drives are physical and emotional and vary in form and function. Often sexual, passions may also be expressed artistically, intellectually, and athletically. Our passions are fearful and wonderful secrets of our person, woven into our being since conception (Psalm 139). God’s design can’t be cast aside. Rather, passionate drives are the essence of our being that we long to express. If willing to see life truthfully, by His design, our drives point us to our Creator.

Passionate Relationships and Connection

God’s righteous Image is wrapped in our passionate core. Righteousness is about right relationships that connect and are fulfilling as He designed. Sometimes feeling empty and hoping to connect, we express ourselves to attract like-minded others. We desire heart connection because it’s dynamic. In the health of connection, we discover a sense of meaning, value, and purpose. Often, we believe we’ll best experience fulfillment by connecting ourselves to something or someone else. Knowing what drives us, God led the Apostle Paul to address these matters.

Righteousness is about right relationships that connect and are fulfilling as He designed.

Read 1 Corinthians chapter 7.

• Would you say is the context of this chapter is more about marriage or passionate drives?
• What does Paul say about remaining single? (vs. 1, 26, 32-35, 40)
• Why should men and women marry? ( 2&9)
• What does Paul say about marital status? (vs. 7&8)
• What complications does marriage create? (vs. 32-35)
• Married or single, who or what should be our focus? (vs. 5, 32&35)
• Paul encourages those gifted with a marriage partner to prioritize who first, and who second? (vs. 5)
• Wrestling through the development of intimacy, getting comfortable with vulnerability, and coming to a place of trust is consuming and complicates a couple’s ability to do what? (vs. 32, 35, and 40)

Read Matthew 22:30

• What did Jesus say about marriage?
• What do these passages infer when combined? Does a single person reflect God’s Image any more or less than a married person?

Paul affirms that though it’s better to remain single, passionate drives are legitimate needs and he gives specific instructions for accommodating them in marriage. Single and married, we desire to express ourselves meaningfully since in this way, our hearts connect with like-minded others, and single people are better equipped to do this because their priority is as God designed, to be one in the community of God’s Kingdom. However, our status, single or married, is a gift God uses to best reflect His Image in the community. To reflect Him should be the priority from day to day no matter what one’s marital state. Passionate drives for all should be under the authority of God’s purposes and held in account to Him. He created our drives and guides our lives as we focus on Him to make sense of our experiences. Jesus’ words support Paul’s commentary on passionate drives by indicating that marriage is not a status that will be preserved in eternity.

For some, the words of 1 Corinthians 7:2&9 reduce the sexual relationship to passion at a base level. Paul did not find this explanation satisfactory. The physical drive is more than an amalgamation of hormones. God’s design is nothing like the instinctive behaviors of animalistic reproduction. He gave us minds to think through our experiences and emotions. Married or single, men and women can make reasonable decisions and choose right relationships by understanding where our longings originate and where they point.

Though complicated, the dynamic established in marriage affords couples the opportunity to clarify His Image by modeling Trinitarian relationships in their home. Marriage and family become the practice ground for taking on an-‘others’point of view.  Modeling healthy patterns in church and family creates healing patterns for relationships to grow as one. Married and single, in the health of being valued, and valuing others we enjoy passionate connection in the way of the Trinity.

Sexual Duty & Marriage Unity

1 Corinthians 7: 3-4 holds important implications, linking the words “duty” and “authority.” This passage speaks of obligation from one person to another who holds authority.

• 1 Corinthians 7:3 requires husbands and wives to do what?

Correct practical application of this verse is frequently overlooked. The NIV and NAS say, “fulfill his/her duty”. The King James Version translates it: “render…. due benevolence”. Most think of this duty in terms of “conjugal rights,” as is used by the ESV, since contextually, the passage addresses the physical relationship. However, there are three Greek words translated together that become “fulfill one’s duty”.[2] Looking closely, these suggest that sex does not define the duty of husbands and wives.

The Greek word apodidomi appears twice in this verse, and means to give up or give back.[3] Opheilo is to owe or be obliged to do something.[4] And eunoia is an act of kindness or benevolence.[5] Literally the verse says to husbands and wives something along the lines of, Give up and give back what you owe as an act of kindness toward each other.

Give up and give back what you owe as an act of kindness toward each other.

These three Greek terms define godly expectations for married couples and hold no sexual implications. From the context of the passage, people assume that sex is the expectation that Paul is addressing for both men and women. However, since these words do not imply sex, a sensible question becomes: What are the duties of a man and wife? Are they the same? Or different in nature?  Christopher West (2004) says, “Christian marriage calls spouses to a mutual service, …a mutual subjection. Yet, according to the nature of sexual difference, each lives this service in different, complementary ways” (p. 84). Pope John Paul II defined this mutual subjection as “a reciprocal donation of self” (Aug. 11, 1982; West, p. 81).

A Husband’s Duty

In Ephesians chapter five, the Apostle Paul gives a more specific guideline for addressing a woman’s needs and how to “render what is due” as is described in this letter to the Corinthians (vs.3).

Says West, “If Ephesians says that ‘the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church,’ this means the husband must be the first to serve (see Luke 22:25-26)” (p. 85).

Read Ephesians 5: 22-33

• What are a husband’s duties identified from Ephesians 5:25,28, 29 & 33?

Most women are highly driven to connect. Connection happens in the experience of nurturing, cherishing, and communicating as equals. When a man regards his spouse in this way, he equips her for the tasks and relationships she’ll face.

The man’s God-given role, his duty following Christ’s example, is to die to personal needs and desires, to address his wife’s needs before his own. He is to esteem her highly, equal to himself, and provide for her with an attentiveness that nurtures and cherishes by regarding her needs as his own (vs. 28).

The man’s God-given role, his duty following Christ’s example, is to die to personal needs and desires, to address his wife’s needs before his own.

A Wife’s Duty

Wives also should apply 1 Corinthians 7:3 practically and relevantly toward their spouse.

We’ve already established that the context of 1 Corinthians chapter seven indicates that it is important for a wife to sympathize with and act in kindness toward her spouse and his sexual drive.

• Along with this ever-present physical need, there is a vital emotional component. What does Ephesians 5:33 say is the duty of a woman toward her husband?

God purposefully created a man’s physical drive. Under the satan’s domain, His good purpose is difficult to see. Only a man’s wife, in the regular experience of physical intimacy, can provide protection and be a source of escape from the enemy’s onslaught. Fulfilling her duty by respecting her husband while attending to his physical drive, a woman equips her spouse with the affirmation of acceptance and completion. The clarity of mind a man gains helps him handle life’s darts.

Respect honors the things a man is passionate about, which are expressed in various ways. His career, his hobbies, and his passions define the areas he most needs respect. This includes and is not limited to his physical drive. Respect doesn’t use sex as a tool of manipulation or withhold it as a means of punishment. Sex is not of low priority. Rather, as a sacrament, sex will be a prime concern for addressing a man’s needs before they become defeating.

Respect honors and prioritizes those things a man is passionate about.

Mutuality Under Attack

Prioritizing her spouse and the things he is passionate about, a woman respects and supports her husband’s leadership and becomes a source of strength. Prioritizing his wife’s needs over his own, a man nurtures and cherishes to fill what can become an emotional void. When sex as a sacrament reflects the sacrifice of Christ and the Church and the unity of the Trinity, covenant love demonstrates that the Gospel of God’s Kingdom is established on earth in one marriage. God’s enemy is hell-bent on destroying the mutuality of covenant love demonstrated in marriages. The adversary is determined that we do not realize our Trinitarian potential to experience fulfillment. Mutual sacrifice happens as each focuses on the other in a sacrifice of praise that glorifies God.

God’s enemy is hell-bent on destroying mutual love and sacrifice: outpourings of covenant love.

As we prioritize one another as Jesus did, His Spirit of connection reveals God’s design for unity in our lives. By God’s Plan, marriages are most satisfactory when both remove their ‘self’ -ish perspective and surrender their agendas and drives to be met by the other. Meeting one another’s needs necessitates both modeling Jesus’ attitude of submission.

By concentrating our efforts to reflect the Image of God in both our physical and emotional drives, the emphasis is removed from what is cumbersome and focuses on God’s answer. He created our passions to be a force that draws us together to equip one another. Sacred sex that worships God serves as the cement binding a man and wife because of the deep fulfillment that is experienced when the needs of both are being met. The relationship is not readily broken because it never grows old. Conversely, without the sanctity of passionate and covenant love that is focused on a picture bigger than hedonistic pleasure, passionate neediness drives us apart because, increasingly isolated, humanity struggles to see beyond the lens of self.

Opposition to Jesus’ way of life rests in the knowledge and experience that self-sacrifice creates opportunities for abuse. Unarguably, this is a very real dynamic. Someone gets taken advantage of whenever there is sacrifice, EXCEPT when the sacrifice is mutual! And such is God’s plan! When we mutually rely on Him, each of us is faced with a choice: to live God’s way, trusting Him and others, or to take no risk, trusting a select few that diminishes over time. What is believed to be the safe way to live is also the lonely way to live. Such is the plan of God’s enemy.

By Who’s Authority?

Many take offense to 1 Corinthians 7:4 because it gives authority of a woman’s body to her husband. Historically, this passage has been mishandled. Misapplication of Scripture outside the context of its intent causes heartache and abuse. This is an abomination and nullifies the prayers of the offender (1 Peter 3:7). Therefore, when considering what authority to accept, it’s important to understand God’s overall intent for the passage.

From 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 find the words from each verse that show the authority of husbands and wives is mutual:

• 3­­­­­_­__________________________________________
• 4 ­­­­­­__________________________________________
• 5 ­­­­­­__________________________________________

The Greek word for “likewise (vs. 3&4) is “homoios.,”[6] meaning in the same way. And in verse 5, “symphonos[7], which means “harmoniously, by agreement.” This is how our Triune God functions. And He instructs us to do the same. Let’s consider whether there is an authority structure observable in Godhead.

• Keeping in mind John 1:1-3 and Genesis 1:1-3 What do we know about how the Trinity functioned at creation?
• Is there authority demonstrated within the Trinity from each of the following verses? John 8:28-30   John 15:26      Luke 3:22

Authority can be expressed mutually between individuals who value one another. Individuals function differently, and what each has to offer may look different based on their gifts and character. Functioning as one, the Trinity acts with authority and responds to that authority with consistent regard. In 1 Corinthians, we are instructed that we, too, should act “likewise” with “agreement” toward each other.

Authority can be expressed mutually by valuing one another and what each has to offer and responding consistently by considering the other’s perspective.

Joining God’s Trinitarian dynamic results in a redeemed experience for you and me. Relationships, fellowships, the people of God are drawn together as one by the One who made us.

Regarding the will of the Father and the leading of His Spirit, Jesus placed our needs above His own. Restoration happens when we make the relationship mutual by accepting God’s plan for our relationships and authority.

Read Matthew 20:25-28 and Philippians 2:3-5, and consider the way God, through Jesus, expressed leadership and authority.

• How would you describe Jesus’ leadership style?

Jesus’ life and relationships demonstrate that people are drawn together, and relationships affirmed and restored by servant leadership. Considering others above myself and interacting with that priority makes our ability to identify and connect with their experience practical.

Considering marriage, husbands and wives should act in “eunoia,” “apodidomi,” and “opheilo” in the manner of “homois” ruling over one another by agreement (“symphonos”). However, this instruction is not exclusively applied to marriages. Rather, it is how we, as followers of Jesus, are each called to function together in the body of Christ.

Marriage, is merely the practice grounds for applying Biblical principles to the broader family of God. Humanly speaking this is difficult. In marriages, the lack of these qualities results in a high divorce rate in and outside the church. Embracing a godly dynamic is possible through determined and faithful communication and is most natural when led by God’s Spirit. Following God’s Spirit requires faith that He will do and has done what He says. In marriage, the passions and passionate needs of two people are intimately experienced. Considering that there is a sexual and covenant relationship expressed in marriage, the marriage relationship is, in fact, infinitely complicated. However, by embracing one another’s passions, functioning in the way of the Trinity, and regarding the sexual relationship as a sacrament unique to them alone, couples have the potential to equip one another in areas of their deepest need.

Marriage, is the practice grounds for applying Biblical principles to the broader family of God.

The Final Authority

Authorities make decisions and choose outcomes. Our Creator is the Ultimate Authority. Though He gave Adam the responsibility of ruling over the earth, Adam listened to the serpent and gave this authority to God’s opposition. Focusing humankind away from one another and onto self, the satan distorts our experience of God. His Spirit, which could unity us, is missing. But the satan can’t remove Him from His position of power. For you and I, the choice remains: who will be our final authority? Who will we trust to decide what is good and evil in our lives? God? Or myself? And given our limited capacity, when the choice is self, to whom have I ultimately given authority over my choice? The satan, doesn’t care about the details of our choices, just that they keep us apart. We can settle for the dynamic the satan offers, which drives us away from one another. Or we can look beyond what is broken to the One who created us to give us direction.

Men and women, single and married struggle for answers to life questions. We want the solution to come from within. And we know we learn best from our experiences. However, ultimately, outcomes flow from the perspective we most readily accept. Limited in capacity to understand everything through my isolated experience, there are only two perspectives and authorities under whom we can and will function. God our creator, or that of His opposition, which keeps me alone. By His design, trusting Him and His plan, we draw together. By the authority of the accuser, our experiences are distorted, and we isolate ourselves in dysfunction when God’s design is bereft of His Spirit.

Passionate neediness is the outcome of God’s passionate design under the satan’s destructive authority. We exist in conflict more naturally than in unity. Through disharmony and distrust, passions drive us apart. God’s enemy intends to distort anything reflective of God’s goodness and the unity of His image. Twisting God’s Image, he has hidden much of the beauty of God’s passions, which remain in us. This includes sexual desire and the infinite beauty of physical intimacy.

Passionate neediness results from God’s passionate design under the satan’s destructive authority.

Look now at 1 Corinthians 6:19&20.

• What does the last phrase in verse 19 say about our authority?
• If “you are not your own,” to whom do you belong?
• How is this applied in marriage?

The choice is yours. A decision regarding how to use our body is a matter of priority. Choosing to follow Christ, this verse says His Spirit dwells in us and we are His temple. With God’s Spirit to guide us, as temples, our bodies are a place of worship.

• Especially in our sexuality, who or what do we worship?
• How can we prioritize our time, expenses and even our sex life to honor God?
• Husbands and wives should make priority decisions of priority together. However, who should be our ultimate authority in decision-making?
• Especially when people don’t agree, what resource do we have to consult and trust for the outcome?

A verse to pray through and apply during times of disagreement is Philippians 2:3. Following this practice, when the decision is made, trust God and wait. Our Creator is our ultimate authority, and because of Jesus’ life, His Spirit is given to you and me to guide. Mutually functioning, now invited into the Trinity, we have the ability to possess His Spirit as our guide. He will always guide us to follow Jesus’ example as a servant-leader in unity with other servant leaders, acting as one to the best of our ability and trusting Him with the final outcome.

Ultimate resolution happens, and we are redeemed, when we consent to His plan for our life and relationships. Accepting ourselves and others in the way He made us, we trust Him to complete the good work He began (Philippians 1:6). Passionate longings remind us of how He made us; they are remnants reflecting His design. He created us in a perfect environment to function as one. In the satan’s domain, we experience His passionate dynamic through a lens focused on self. This is sin and separates us from one another and God. Sin is anything that prevents us from healthy relationships. We can’t comprehend another person’s perspective without God’s help. God desires righteous connection, and that we accept His authority to live in the way of Jesus. By His Spirit, we can come together, rise above our broken experience, and move toward the unity of His design!

Ultimate resolution happens when, under God’s authority, we consent to His plan and come together in the unity of life and relationships.

Conclusion

Driven to connect, all express ourselves passionately in families and communities because we believe somehow, somewhere, the connection we long for exists. Familial roles of our upbringing establish expectations and a dynamic that feels normal. We rely on these relational patterns, whether healthy or unhealthy. The one who opposes God opposes the unity of “us,” and the body of Christ. God’s opposition has done his best to distort God’s ways. Unity is not our normal experience. Living by Jesus’ way of prioritizing unity in relationships places our passions under His authority and promotes stability and the development of healthy relationships personally and for the next generation.

For each, the details of our healing differ, but the outcome will be the same. Living consistently by God’s dynamic for passionate unity, He will be glorified when His Trinitarian Image is revealed in us and our relationships restored. Righteousness is about right relationships and is a work of God’s Spirit as individuals follow His lead. Righteousness refuses to act defensively for the sake of a relationship. Jesus offers right relationship as a gift. Not because we deserve it. Accepting the righteousness Jesus offers, His Spirit makes us alive, and we can do the same. This is grace and creates common ground even when underserved. Without righteousness and the connectedness it creates, our lives are stressful, unhappy, and broken. Without Jesus to show us the way, we would remain isolated from God and one another. This brokenness of our spirits is death. But temples we are! God gave us His Spirit that we might connect.

Under God’s authority, with the Gospel and passionate drives in view, honoring one another and the sacrament of marriage, in marriage or celibacy, sex becomes a private and passionate celebration of the relationship between Jesus and the church. Single and married, we are His bride and He our groom. Sexuality celebrates that picture when our lives reflect His passionate design! Understanding this picture establishes meaning, hope, and patterns for healthy relationships that heal marriages, families, and communities.

Under God’s authority, in marriage or celibacy, sex is regarded as a private and passionate celebration of the mutual regard and value shared by Jesus and the church.

Time for Reflection:

• What drives you most passionately?
• What dynamics that most characterize your relationships:

Avoidance       Fear     Connection      Understanding            Mutual authority Assumed authority  Communication          Silence             Busy    Patient Others?

• Which of the words above are Trinitarian in nature and a healthy dynamic?
• Which of the words above are isolating?
• How does God’s Trinitarian image shed light on the single person’s experience?
• What role models formed your concept of male and female authority?
• In view of Trinitarian relationships, were they healthy?
• Take time to pray about these things.

Foot Notes

[1] Kreeft, P. (1990). Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Heaven. San Francisco. Ignatius Press. Kindle Edition. (Kindle Locations 1639-1640).

[2] 1 Corinthians 7 (KJV) – Now concerning the things whereof. Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/1co/7/1/ss1/s_1069001  on 5 May 2017.

[3] Greek Lexicon:: G591 (KJV). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/Lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?strongs=G591&t=KJV . 4 October 2015.

[4] Greek Lexicon:: G3784 (KJV). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/Lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?strongs=G3784&t=KJV . 4 October.

[5] Greek Lexicon:: G2133 (KJV). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/Lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?strongs=G2133&t=KJV . 4 October 2015.

[6] 1 Corinthians 7, (King James Version). G3668 – homoiōs – Strong’s Greek Lexicon (KJV). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org//lang/Lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?Strongs=G3668&t=KJV on 5 May 2017.

[7] 1 Corinthians 7, (King James Version). G4859 – symphōnos – Strong’s Greek Lexicon (KJV). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org//lang/Lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?Strongs=G4859&t=KJV   on 5 May 2017.

Cited In Text

West, C. (2004). Theology of the Body for Beginners, A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II’s Sexual Revolution. West Chester. Ascension Press. (Pg. 81, 84 & 85).

Unpublished work, copyright 2024 Greg and Carlene Seghers