Chapter 6

Marriage is more than your love for each other. It has a higher dignity and power, for it is God’s holy ordinance.                     ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer[1]

 Purpose Statement: Viewing sex as a sacrament, we should regard this act of marriage with the same respect as other sacramental traditions.

Initially, I gave up on God’s plan. Religion and its rules didn’t make sense with how He made me. There was so much fun and excitement to be enjoyed! Religious taboos made no sense! I had come to believe God’s way is better than the unrestraint of my early years. And I trusted He was “fixing” me, but I doubted He would fix my wife! I believed He COULD do it, but WOULD He? I wasn’t convinced it would happen in this lifetime.

Carlene grew up with strong ideas and religious rules and boundaries that prevented the kind of sex I wanted to enjoy with her. Her ground rules were part of Carlene’s identity as a Christian. Though I thought she was missing out, her ideas seemed consistent with the church’s standards and rules. I really wanted her to join the fun! But her behavioristic approach was stifling. An integral part of her belief system, it was hard to oppose.

As I began to put Carlene’s needs first, God began a change. Slowly, slowly, Carlene and I began to hear one another’s hearts. She trusted me, and I trusted her; there was no doubt. We both were committed to hearing and meeting one another’s needs as best we could. But early in marriage, our physical relationship had reinforced her negative beliefs about sex. I wasn’t hopeful she could erase the past and genuinely enjoy passionate physical love. And living according to the rules and standards of the church, I wasn’t sure God wanted us to.

There was a sadness surrounding sex I couldn’t shake. Sexuality reflected the dark side of God. Though I couldn’t understand Him, I’d chosen to trust Him. I wanted to believe He is good, and all He made is good, even sex. Trusting God is good made sense to me; since Greg began applying Ephesians 5:25 to our marriage, our relationship was getting better. But what about those for whom life is not getting better? Is God still good? Why the mystery that surrounds His ways?[i] Is He really all-powerful? What holds Him back from making everything right? Will goodness win? If righteousness is right living, why hadn’t it spared me this sadness surrounding sex?

To heal sexually, I needed God to show me two things. Firstly, from the time He created us, God knew that passion created for our unity, unrestrained, would involve confusion created by unbridled sexual expression. Knowing how broken relationships result from unrestrained passion, He chose circumcision to identify His people, and circumcision is symbolic of sacrifice, something every person is called to do when following Christ. Secondly, this act became a constant reminder and a definite link between a man’s penis and God’s greatest gift. In the symbolism of circumcision, the Biblical picture of Christ and the church offers sexual freedom and a means of passionate celebration. The righteousness of Christ placed in the church is life-giving!

Many will have a hard time assimilating this personal revelation. Initially, I doubted I understood God correctly. My husband’s penis as a symbol of righteousness was too far outside the box for my conservative thinking! However, as we identify with those struggling to survive and our healing continues to excel, God compels us to share.

Though there was nothing particularly good about him, God identified His symbol of righteousness initially to Abraham. Eventually, Jesus embodied everything good, and in Him, God’s righteousness took on passionate human flesh. Jesus affirmed God’s passionate symbol by connecting wholeheartedly in relationships and becoming the one and only groom to His eternal bride, The Church. Human sexuality and the covenant of marriage have eternal implications that are consumated at the cross. For sex to remain meaningful, these implications cannot be compromised. There is one bride, one groom, and one righteousness that are founded in the privilege of wholehearted, even sexual, unity.

Our perspectives on sexuality began with messages we internalized before we were old enough to reason. Boys are this way, …girls are like that. This is the good part of you, …the bad part of you looks like this. God created the good things, …the bad parts are your fault; You’re not good enough; you need to change. Each of us navigate voices that shout, “JUST BE DIFFERENT!”  And these voices create polarizing concepts of self, others, and God. Loneliness results. Isolation. Unrighteousness. With maturity we attempt to reason through these messages, but often conclude that, though God may have created good things, He has a dark side we can’t understand.[2] And if He exists, His dark side created us with sexual tension that strives against the good.

         How do we weed out the good from the bad when it comes to sexuality? These uncertainties influence how we approach life, identify with one another, and identify with God. God patterned our existence after the good relationship the Father, Son, and Spirit have always known. Like Him, you and I experience fulfillment as we connect. The light and dark threads of our lives complement and highlight His Image. As we understand these threads, He draws us into His righteous and Trinitarian way of relating.

         In the following sections, we’ll examine threads that color our experiences. In the previous chapter, we acknowledged that living in the satan’s domain, our perspective is colored by the darkness of confusion and loneliness created by isolating passions. In this chapter, we want to discover a Biblical perspective of God and what His part is, even in our darker experiences.

Threads of Tradition

The Bible contains many rules. God gave us His Law to point out our inability to live without sin (Romans 7:7). Living by the rules lends a certain structure to the Christian way of life. And structure is good… until it prevents our hearts from connecting meaningfully! Jesus understood this and didn’t hesitate to live beyond the law to walk meaningfully by connecting with others.[ii] He demonstrated healthy relationships. The traditions of the church should do the same.

Read Matthew 5:17

• Did Jesus come to get rid of the structures put in place by religion?
• What does it mean that He came to fulfill those structures?

Church structures and the Law were intended to point to something: Jesus and God’s original purpose for creating man, which can only be observed in a life lived exactly as God intended from the beginning.

• What is the act or church tradition?
• What is its purpose?

Matthew 28:19

1 Corinthians 11:24-26 Luke 22:19-20

Hebrews 10:24-25

Genesis 2:25 1 Corinthians 7:1-6 Ephesians 5:31-32

Baptism

Jewish tradition practiced a ceremonial bath of sorts called a mikvah. A person was submerged in the water of a mikvah to demonstrate a new beginning or spiritual purge. It was practiced by Jews weekly, and at other times that required special cleansing.[3]

John the Baptist built on the practice of mikvah, encouraging people to be baptized to identify themselves as wanting a new beginning. Those baptized by John no longer focused on the law for salvation but looked toward the coming Redeemer whom John announced was coming.[4] After Jesus ascended into heaven, the early church continued the practice of baptism to identify His followers.

Communion

Taking communion also originates in a Jewish tradition called The Passover. The Jews first broke bread and drank the wine the night before they fled from slavery in Egypt. At this first Passover, they obeyed God by sacrificing a lamb and painting its blood over their doorways. That evening, those who believed God would do what He said were spared a visit from the Angel of Death when he “passed over” their homes because of the blood-painted doorposts (Exodus 12:1-41). Since that day, Jewish people have continued the Passover meal as a way of remembering how God saved them from death on the night of The First Passover.

Jesus built on The Passover celebration by furthering the significance of the bread and wine. He indicated these elements were symbolic of more! His body and blood were broken for those who would believe God sent Him (Luke 22:13-20). When Christians celebrate this tradition, we’re reminded that just as the lamb of the first Passover, Jesus’ body and blood were sacrificed to save us from death.

The Fellowship of Believers

In Hebrews, those who trust Jesus are encouraged to live a new way. Part of this new fellowship is to come together regularly to motivate, spur on, and help one another to follow Christ’s example. This assembling of believers began after Christ’s ascension and is recorded in the book of Acts (2:41-47).

When God’s Spirit became active among Jesus’ followers, they began to experience a unity they had not shared before. This unity with God and one another resulted from their belief in Jesus. Because of these unified relationships, Jesus’ followers became known as the body of Christ: the Church, which Jesus had said He would build (Matthew 16:18). This body is diverse yet unified and meant to function in unity. With Jesus’ way of life the place of common ground, an-‘other’ point of view creates a “grace-full” way of living that recognizes the value and purpose behind our diversity.

The Act of Marriage

The last tradition on our chart is the act of becoming one flesh, sexual union. This is not to imply that those who practice sex are believers. Neither is it widely considered a church or Christian practice. Nevertheless, conventionally, the act of sex in marriage is one of “God’s holy ordinances.”[5] Jewish tradition affirmed a marriage, by a community celebration. Once a couple consummated the relationship, and physical union was confirmed, then the party officially began.[6] The Catholic Church still considers marriage one of the seven sacraments “that point to what is sacred … [and a] special occasion for experiencing God’s saving presence.”[7]

Marriage today is frequently considered optional and dispensable. Whether a person is religious or not, the ability to remain married requires a religious commitment to the highest standard. Sex is still the one act that acknowledges and cements the covenant of marriage into place; when a marriage is over, the right to sex is removed.

Christopher West, a known authority on the Theology of the Body, says, “Whenever you hear ‘covenant’ in scripture, you can substitute it with ‘marriage.’  …The covenant God wants to establish between heaven and earth is a marital covenant. …He has espoused Himself to us forever. …[even the sexual] pleasures of this world are a tiny glimpse of the infinite, pointing to heaven.”[8] Author John Eldredge (2008) says that God created sexuality, gender, and marriage to serve as a “living metaphor,” whereby we may relate to Godly intimacy in relationship (p. 132). He also affirms the sanctity of sexuality, stating, “… there is something special, even sacramental, about sex. It requires trust and abandonment, guided by a wholehearted devotion. What else can this be but worship? …We worship sex because we don’t know how to worship God” (p. 136).

Threads of Truth

Read the following passages of scripture out loud.

Romans 5:17   For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!

Romans 5:20b&21      Grace abounded…. so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Romans 8:10   But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness.

• There are four words in all three verses. Did you see them?

R________________________                                 L________________________

C________________________                                 D________________________

Just as we’ve seen in these verses, throughout the Bible, we learn that righteousness from God is life-giving. In chapter four, we’ve already seen we have no ability to achieve righteousness on our own and that this life-giving quality is a gift we enjoy when we trust that Jesus’ way of life is the way to the life we were created for. This gift given to us through the relationships that are healed by following Christ is God’s breath of life restored by His Spirit that we enjoy when there is unity together. Without this righteousness, we remain subject to death. Death reigns and is the structure of this world’s system. With this structure in place, our experiences and relationships are characterized by the darkness of broken lives, confusion, and defeat.

From the words gathered above, fill in the blanks:

• A physical truth we all know: Sex is a biological act that gives L__________.
• A spiritual truth we should all know: The R ____________________ of C_____________ placed within the church is L__________-giving!
• A practical truth we often fail to see: The act of sex for humankind is both physical and spiritual. God designed it with L__________ -giving purpose in both realms.
• In the beginning, God breathed L__________. Giving his authority to the satan, man chose D__________. The good news? God redeemed us back to L__________ by identifying with our experience. C_____________ led the way back to the R____________________ of God’s original design: healing relationships with Him and others.

 Threads of Life and Love

Passionate love is thematic in the Bible. Under the satan’s domain, there’s confusion and division among us. God’s truths are difficult to believe because God seems far away. Still passionate, erotic love is regarded as a choice but felt as an irrepressible need. Since our spirits have been separated from one another and God, we have died and our righteous potential darkened. God changes our perspective through spiritual circumcision that joins our hearts once again.

Consider God’s love for you as you read these truths.

Read Deuteronomy 31:6 and Psalm 139:1-12

• Where is God?

Read Deuteronomy 30:6

• Though God had given Abraham’s family physical circumcision, what spiritual circumcision did God say would result from trusting Him?
• What would be the result?

Read Hosea 14

• What was God’s promise when His people responded to Him (14:4)

Israel had refused God’s ways. Apostacy refuses to follow or obey a religious faith and abandons religious loyalties. Notice from this chapter that apostasy is not a condition of criticism. Rather, God says it’s a condition He’ll heal because of His choice to love. God chooses healing, and offers forgiveness and blessing when His people turn to a restored relationship with Him.

Read Ezekiel 36:26

• What kind of heart does God want to give us?

Read 2 Corinthians 3:1-6

• When He gives us a soft heart, what will result?

Remember Jesus’ words from Luke 10:27&28

• Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Do this ____________ ____________ ____________!

Threads of Goodness

Psalm 106 is a summary of man’s sinfulness. This chapter shows the path of sin demonstrated by the nation of Israel. They were ungrateful, envious, idolatrous, and prostituted themselves in godless relationships and murder. Nevertheless, when people call on Him, God hears, forgives, and remembers His promise. The Psalmist begins this chapter with a prayer, acknowledging God’s faithfulness in the face of spiritual harlotry.

Read Psalm 106:1, 4-5

• Everlasting and inheritance; what do these words say to you about God’s goodness?
• What lasts forever?
• What is the inheritance handed to the next generation?

Notice that everlasting and inheritance are generational terms. As we intercourse God’s plan, He blesses and saves! Is my word choice far-fetched? Professor and theologian Peter Kreeft (1990) said, “Spiritual intercourse with God is the ecstasy hinted at in all earthly intercourse, physical or spiritual. It is the ultimate reason why sexual passion is so strong” (Chapter 8, Section 8, para 1).

Read 1 Timothy 4:4

• What describes everything God created?
• What did God NOT create?
• Does this include sex?
• In your thinking, is there something about sex to be grateful for?

Author and pastor John Piper (2009) dedicates a section in his book, This Momentary Marriage, to ‘Holy Sex: Satan’s Defeat, Christ’s Display, and Our Delight.’ In it, he says, “Marriage at its exquisite peak of pleasure speaks powerfully the truth of covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. And that love is the most powerful force in the world” (pp. 134-135).

Read Psalm 143:9-11

• Who does the Psalmist take refuge from?
• Where does the Psalmist find this refuge?
• What is it that brings us out of trouble?

Enemies oppose unity. The Bible is full of God’s direction, desire, and promise to create unity among us. He accomplishes this connection of our hearts by the righteous work of His Spirit as individuals call on Him.

God’s righteousness is a gift, and circumcision links this gift to the intimacy of passionate connection. Passionate connection happens not only physically but spiritually. Intimacy has little to do with marital status and sexual activity. Rather, in God’s plan, we can safely connect our hearts by His Spirit. Jesus’ life demonstrates how to relate to one another in the way of the Trinity. People can be places of safety and refuge when we share a common spirit or understanding.

God wants to be that Spirit we share (Galatians, chapter five). Jesus showed us the way, connecting what is spiritual (righteousness) with the physical (relationships). Sacrificing personal perspectives to join our hearts with an-‘other’ perspective is how His Spirit leads and redeems our relationships. Sex physically represents these spiritual truths: righteousness, life, and relationships restored thorugh sacrifice. It is sacred. Believing sex is a sacrament implies it is a spiritual act that represents spiritual truth.

From Psalm 143

• Can you imagine physical intimacy as a place of refuge?
• Can you think of physical intimacy as reviving something?
• If so, what might be revived?
• What happens if sex is not safe and revitalizing?

            Sexual intimacy is either a means of great trouble and heartache, or it can be a way of honoring and celebrating the Trinitarian Love of intimate community. Christopher West (2004) states, “The sexual confusion so prevalent in our world and in our own hearts is simply the human desire for heaven gone berserk. Untwist the distortions, and we discover the astounding glory of sex in the divine plan” (p. 57).

Let’s Complete the Tapestry!

Conclusion

Jesus’ righteousness was lived out in spiritual intercourse with His Bride while living as a celibate male on earth! In John Piper’s collection of essays originating from the Desiring God Conference 2004, he approaches the dilemma of the sensual and sacred with a probing question. “On the one hand, sex [has become] a complex darkness. On the other hand, sex becomes a garden of simple, pure delights. Which picture represents you?”[9] In a Spirit of unity, human sexuality reflects the life, love, and righteous relationships of God’s design. Jesus is our model. In Jesus, we observe the Trinitarian way of living. God became flesh. We can identify with our Trinitarian God because of Jesus’ example and His Holy Spirit He’s promised to guide us into righteous relationships.[iii]

Over time, God developed a picture of His righteousness, the focus of right relationships. The Gospel is a passionate gift: righteousness, right relationships, we don’t deserve. God placed an image of that gift, the Gospel, in our flesh by making us sexual. He gave us driving passions that we might be able to identify with Christ’s sacrifice, even death, with the goal of health and understanding. Unity with others is a driving force, His Image imprinted on our souls. Because of Him, we can celebrate infinitely, from the depth of our being, by living intimately and victoriously in understanding! Healing sex and sexuality is ours when we join eros with agape that celebrates generous relationships in the way of Jesus. When sex is sacred, there is an erotic celebration of life, love, and righteousness.

Time for Reflection

• When you think of sex, does it feel safe or dangerous?
• Does thinking about sex arouse questions, feelings of frustration, or even anger?
• Or do your ideas and experiences surrounding sexual ideas emanate a sense of security and belonging?
• How have traditions, beliefs, and social messages helped or hindered your ideas of sexuality?

Each of us has a concept of what we think love looks like. This is not always consistent with others’ concepts of love.

• When you think of love, what does it look like to you? How does it feel?
• Does your concept of sex feel more like worshipping God or something else?

Ask God to reimage your concept of sexuality and intimacy to conform with His good plan.

End Notes

[i] 1 Corinthians 2:7, Ephesians 3:9, Colossians 1:27, 2:2, 1 Timothy 3:16, Revelation 10:7

[ii] Matthew 12:1-7, Mark 2:27&28, John 8:1-11

[iii] John 14:15-31

Foot Notes

[1] Bonhoeffer, D. (1943). Reformed Outfitters, Equipping Christians. A Wedding Sermon from a Prison Cell. Retrieved from: http://reformedoutfitters.com/2014/01/15/a-wedding-sermon-from-a-prison-cell-part-1/ January 15, 2017.

[2] Caine, C. (2016). Unashamed -Drop the Baggage, Pick Up Your Freedom, Fulfill Your Destiny. Grand Rapids MI: Zondervan. (p. 154).

[3]Baptism-Immersion-the Mikveh. (2008). Wildolive. Retrieved from http://www.wildolive.co.uk/baptism.htm­ . March 11, 2014.

[4] Why did John Baptize People?.(September 15, 2013). Gracethrufaith. Retrieved from https://gracethrufaith.com/ask-a-bible-teacher/why-did-john-baptize-people/. March 11, 2014.

[5]Wohlers, C. The Book of Common Prayer-1559. (no date given). Retrieved from http://justus.anglican.org/resources/bcp/1559/Marriage_1559.htm  on 25 May 2016.

[6] Vander Laan, R. (1996). Echoes of His Presence. Zondervan Publishing House. (p.12-19).

[7]Just, F. (December 2, 2022). The Seven Catholic Sacraments: An Introduction and Overview. Retrieved from: https://catholic-resources.org/ChurchDocs/Sacraments.htm. on 27 October 2023.

[8] West, C. [Ann P]. (November 13, 2015). Theology of the Body, Sexual Redemption and the New Evangelization Christopher West. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0mX8cyrCQY

[9] Piper, J.; Taylor, J. (2005). Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. Wheaton, IL: Crossway. Kindle Edition. (p. 66).

Cited In Text

Eldredge J. (2008). Desire, The Journey We Must Take to Find the Life God Offers. Cape Town. Struik Christian Books. (pp. 132 & 136).

Kreeft, P. (1990). Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Heaven. San Francisco. Ignatius Press. Kindle Edition. (Kindle Location 1633, Chapter 8, Section 8, para 1).

Piper, J. (2009). This Momentary Marriage. Wheaton. Crossway Books. (pp. 134-135).

West, C. (2004). Theology of the Body for Beginners, A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II’s Sexual Revolution. West Chester. Ascension Press. (p. 57).

Unpublished work. Copyright 2024, Greg and Carlene Seghers