Our Passionate in His Image story has been many years in the making. When I began to put our journey to paper, I was periodically pressed to answer the question:
Am I complementarian or egalitarian?
My first editor pushed hard, so I responded, “I’m both!” She refused to accept this answer even after I explained, “Greg and I function equally in our marriage! …But when did to compliment something become an insult?”
To this, she aptly responded, “It’s a question you’ll have to answer because no one will want to listen to you if you don’t have an intelligent explanation. People want to know where you stand!”
It was a good point, and over the years, I’ve continued to give it much consideration, prayer, and discussion between Greg and me. Journaling and writing, we’ve reasoned together and interacted with others, both human and through literature.
Greg and I believe we’re both called to submit; it is an act of sacrifice by which we join with Christ on behalf of others. We each have the valuable responsibility to complement one another by holding one another accountable to circumstances and feelings. I don’t always get my way, but neither does he. The joke is that each of us feels we submit more than the other. But I’m pretty sure the bottom line is that we function as equals. So, for a time, the question remained.
What would be God’s take on the issue?
I grew up in an ultraconservative community. And I’m comfortable functioning in conservative circles. They’re like family. However, I never embraced subservience, and my husband never insisted I become less than his equal.
Though religion spoke principles of wifely submission, my heart never sat well with becoming a doormat. I believe isolated verses are misconstrued into hierarchies, but overarching Biblical principles value sacrifice, where the most powerful is the first to serve. A choice for equality. God became human to take the hit.
However, knowing in my heart that I am equal to any man on this planet, neither am I willing to fight for recognition. Aggression is not a strong point of my character. But I did try it for a while and experienced quite quickly that fighting back, I soon became unlovely and divisive. That’s not who I want to be.
In our early years, before sexual healing, Greg and I clashed. Hard. Unhappy, I confronted, reasoned, and demanded change. I added pleading and manipulating to my repartee when these didn’t work. Greg, who listened, rebuked me and pointed out my inconsistencies. But he never shut me down. Eventually, I could see my words were hurting him, and it was me who was destroying our marriage rather than creating any measure of growth or understanding. Greg couldn’t comprehend the problem. It wasn’t a matter of unwillingness but rather a matter of perspective: I didn’t value and comprehend his perspective, nor could He understand mine.
Then, God confronted my husband. When God caused Greg to see I was hurting deeply and that somehow, he was responsible, Greg, honoring my place as his wife, began to ask meaningful questions and change. In equality, we began to grasp one another’s perspectives. It had nothing to do with any willfulness on either of our parts; it was God’s choice and His time to intervene.
What happened that God changed our perspectives? While my confrontation was with the goal of self-preservation and coming from a heart absorbed by my experience, God’s enemy used my words and twisted the truth into something Greg could not comprehend. As long as I spoke my voice primarily, without a spirit of humility and reliance on God for the outcome, Greg could not hear or process anything beyond my accusation and the unhappiness that focused on me.
However, when the circumstances were such that I could state my feelings without expectation and requirement, when Greg could see that my sole purpose was honesty without a hidden agenda, by stepping out of the conflict, God spoke to Greg’s heart.
Sacrificing our agendas creates space by removing our will. Submitting to God’s plan and trusting each other to be obedient to His plan creates an atmosphere of regard: a complement.
Setting aside my expectations gave Greg room to be objective and evaluate his behavior. It also made way for God to step in and create a change on my behalf. Greg heard my words in a new way and, in this exchange, heard God’s voice. With both of us equally submitting to God and each other, we learned to listen and embrace an-‘other’ perspective that was never possible before.
Do I digress? The question remains: How do we intelligently answer whether we are egalitarian or complementarian? We want our stance to be well thought out and intelligent. It is part of human nature for people to want words, explanations, plans, and categories that identify where we stand and with whom we belong. God gave us an answer a few years ago. I believe it’s a good one.
We believe God created us with purpose. Creating man in His Image, God created zakar and neqebah, masculine and feminine perspectives. One with God and each other, zakar and neqebah shared God’s purpose and plan equally. Zakar was the beginning of man. God’s authority on earth, alone as a human, his only relationship was with God: not his equal. God created neqebah as his “ezer,” a strong helper who could rule by his side. These would rule the land together, inviting and equipping others to join. Expanding God’s Kingdom in relationships with authority was God’s plan and intention for zakar and neqebah. His motives haven’t changed.
We’re teleological. Intentionally created with strengths and purpose.
Everyone has gifts by which we can complement, challenge, and benefit one another. Together, we are more complete than alone. Increasingly isolated, we feel insufficient and never enough. Scarcity is the term we use today. Groping for more and to prove our worth, we have yet to comprehend how much there is to gain by listening, considering another’s point of view, and then offering and providing for another according to our gifts!
Sacrificing our singular perspective to regard another, we follow Jesus and begin to glimpse the ways of His Kingdom. Even in the minuteness of one marriage and our healing, our experience is that a teleological viewpoint motivates a lifestyle that resembles Jesus’ way of life.
Jesus focused on the Kingdom; that was his purpose. Noting the perspective of individuals, He comprehended their point of view and offered reconciliation. An-’other’ point of view is one of grace and creates common ground. The huMan, Jesus, showed the way to reconcile our hearts and established the Kingdom of God. He demonstrated how it would look for two or more people to live in unity. It requires the sacrifice and regard of an-‘other’ on equal footing. Graceful living finds common ground.
In our home, Greg and I function from a teleological point of view. We each have purpose, talents, ideas, and needs to be regarded and appreciated. Following Jesus’ way of living, beginning with our marriage and then expanding to friends, I try to focus on having an-‘other’ perspective. I hope that, one by one, we establish God’s Kingdom in our hearts in a shared experience that begins with a teleological point of view.
Greg and I are motivated toward a graceful view. Not that we’re proficient, but we’re learning, and our marriage has been the practice grounds for establishing common ground. This is grace, the willingness to give and make space, even when I feel I have a right and the authority to speak my mind.
The teleological view does not regard equality as something to be grasped. If I am willing, each day with the end in mind, I have opportunities to join in Jesus’ sacrificial way of life and set aside my ‘self’ -ish perspective to hear an-‘other.’ In this way, I begin to preserve and restore relationships to what God intended, one person at a time.
The Kingdom of God starts at home with a teleological point of view.