Chapter 3

In Jesus we find the perfect marrying of sexuality and spirituality. He is the living embodiment of what a completely integrated spirituality and sexuality look like. Not only does he provide a model for us in himself, but he points to the way for us to attain it. This is captured nowhere more succinctly than in the proclamation and the living out of the two greatest commandments: loving God and loving others[1]. –Debra Hirsch, Redeeming Sex

Truth Statement: Jesus lived a Trinitarian perspective that emulates the way of grace. Valuing our roles equally and living together in unity, such as the Trinity, we’ll experience a life of great purpose serving as one, consistent with His plan.

My father was the provider and final authority. He enjoyed entertaining and family gatherings but set down the law for the times children should be seen and not heard. My parents’ roles were clear. My mom’s job was to make sure we were dressed, fed, and adhered to my dad’s rules. She was a sharecropper’s daughter from rural Mississippi. Relieved to have the security of a stable income, she never questioned my father’s right to rule.

              Number six of seven, I have four sisters. In their own ways, each strongly expressed the injustice of male domination. I admired my older sisters and heard them loud and clear. As Carlene and my friendship developed, I naturally valued her opinions and contribution to our relationship. Only after marriage, did I discover the problem of trying to figure her out! Unaware of the ‘self”-ish perspective colouring our views, I tried to make Carlene happy with what made sense to me, but nothing seemed to work.

I came from a fundamentally Christian home. Only after joining Greg’s family did I realize this stereotype could be an insult! We believed the Bible was the right standard for behavior and that the roles it established were obvious and straightforward. However, no matter how hard they tried, my parents’ roles weren’t as clear as our church made it seem. “The man is the head of the home, just as Christ is the head of the church.” Since my father has a nurturing personality, and my mother was most comfortable organizing, my experience of headship and submission in marriage was ambiguous. However, they worked hard to fit their personalities into the “Biblical model.” It was, at times, uncomfortable.

              My mom genuinely loved us and did her best to create a fun-loving environment. Usually, my father was happy to accommodate her plans. However, if push came to shove, not always happily, my mother would submit. Despite conscious efforts to hide the incongruity, the tension of disagreement was a subtle part of our norm. Just as they never argued in a volume we would hear; likewise, they didn’t tolerate unbridled emotion from us. We learned to ignore unhappiness and avoid conflict. Silence was golden, and our rooms a haven of retreat where unpleasant feelings would numb. This arrangement worked on the surface but kept relationships superficial. We appeared strong. However, amusing holidays, family outings, and the latest toy we could afford only placated the hostility accumulating below the surface.

Human models are unhealthy from one generation to the next. Parents are needy, as were their parents before them. Each of us does our best to survive. Without a concept of Trinitarian Love, you know the saying, “Men are from Mars, and women….”  Well, Jesus came to change all of that. Let’s look at a perspective that works!

A Stumbling Block

              The book of Ephesians was written “to the saints who are at Ephesus”: an entire congregation. These were rich, poor, married, single, slaves and free people functioning in a meaningful community. Paul lays a foundation by reminding these believers of what Jesus did for them. God’s desire for His followers is we respond to Jesus’ grace by patterning our ways of relating after His. Speaking about how Christ-followers should treat one another (Ch 5), Paul’s instruction to submit is often misinterpreted, and poor patterns of communication and even abuse result.

Let’s read Ephesians 5:21-33

• Women are to “be subject” to their husbands in the same way as what? (vs. 22&24)
• Men are the “head” in the home in the same way as whom?
• What did Jesus do for the church? What are the exact words from 5:25? From 5:29?

              There it is. That hazardous, misunderstood, dreaded point! Yet …Truth! Before you stop reading, look closely. The words “be subject” in these verses are also found in the paragraph before (Ephesians 5:21). The Greek word translated as “be subject” or “submit” in all three verses is “hypotasso.”[2] To submit to another is to value the needs of another above oneself.[3]

              Verse twenty-one addresses everyone in the church; singles, husbands, and wives from every walk of life are called to “be subject” to one another. Considering the context of these verses, hypotasso applies to everyone! It’s no surprise that a woman should “hypotasso” her husband. Paul is, in fact, being redundant but emphasizing his point of submission to one another in marriage relationships. Following his admonition to wives, Paul continued by reminding men that to “love” His bride, Jesus submitted himself to meet her needs to the point of death.

              To hypotasso is an attitude of graceful surrender to benefit another. Both partners benefit from hypotasso in a godly marriage because there is mutual regard for one’s spouse before self. The “wives submit” verse is misapplied when taken out of the context of the mutual submission established in verse 21. Hypotasso, without mutual regard, creates stumbling blocks to God’s intent. God’s plan is relationships that complement one another through surrender. Hypotasso, out of context, forges hierarchies that are unlike the Trinity, un-Christlike, and, therefore, unbiblical. Failing to hypotasso one another in equality divides men and women at home and creates faulty role models in the body of Christ.

Submission out of the context of Mutual surrender forges hierarchies that are unlike the Trinity, un-Christlike, and, therefore, unbiblical.

A Servant’s Role

Read Matthew 17:5, and 20:27&28

• What did God the Father say about Jesus?
• What did Jesus say about authority, and what His authority looks like in practical terms?

              Headship is a high calling. The highest! By Jesus’ example, it is the call of one in authority humbling himself to a place of equality. Physically equal, he then lowers himself further still to serve and value those around him. Jesus lived among people in the same way He functions in the Trinity. He valued their experience and what each had to offer. The role model husbands should follow is that of Jesus: a servant-leader. Not only did God make Himself physically equal to His creation, but He also willingly served!

Consider Jesus’ interactions with the following people: children (Mark 10:13-16), the woman who anointed Jesus’ feet (Luke 7:36-50), the leper (Luke 17:1-19), Zacchaeus (Luke 19), the woman at the well (John 4:7-42), the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11).  For each one, consider the following:

• Which of these were at risk of being rejected?
• Which of these were at risk of being shamed?
• Which of these put aside their sense of pride to interact with Jesus?
• In each case, how could Jesus have responded that would have focused on Himself and His authority?
• In each case, how did Jesus respond that focused on the other person?
• What did each have to offer Jesus?
• Who was the servant in these passages?
• How did gender, age, or status impact priority in Jesus’ relationships?

Relinquishing His perspective to embrace the perspective of another is the pattern of relating that made Jesus attractive.

Serving in Marriage

              When Jesus gave Himself up for the church, He died to personal needs prioritizing the needs of others first. Abandoning what would have raised Him up as an authority, He chose to benefit His beloved. Identifying with the individual, people were drawn to Him for answers, healing, and for companionship. Jesus welcomed every one of any age, status, or gender and valued where each was at in their journey with God.

• What two words in Ephesians 5:29 describe how Jesus cares for the church?
• How would you define the word nourish? Cherish?

              This passage is, of course, not talking about physical feeding or nourishment. Paul instructs husbands to sustain, provide for, encourage, strengthen, and enrich their wives. “To cherish” is to be devoted, esteem, protect, treasure, and value highly.[4] Nurturing and cherishing require one to look deeply at the needs motivating the individual and then provide what is necessary to strengthen and support.

Jesus welcomed every one of any age, status, or gender and valued where each was at in their journey with God.

              Passionate needs of men and women impact our every day. Equally created in the God’s image, the needs of men and women parallel one another by the intensity of their driving nature. However, failing to value their diverse qualities, men and women miss out on God’s complementary design. A wife cannot be all her husband needs without the husband acting on her behalf to support, value and encourage her. Likewise, husbands need their wives to believe they are capable and their perspective valuable. In and outside of marriage, together, men and women must support one another to become the leaders God designed us to be.

Look at Ephesians 5:33 and fill in the blanks:

Nevertheless let each individual among you also love _________________________________________; and let the wife see to it that ____________________________________________________.

              Without supportive relationships, none of us processes the demands of our days, weeks, and years as effectively as we otherwise could. My husband needs to know I respect him in and outside of our bedroom. Without my respect, we suffer. I need to be supported and valued in the way of feeling cherished and helped by our relationship. When we learned to mutually value and support through respect, cherishing and nurturing, we established a common goal of sustaining one another. In turn, we’re both better able to face each day with the confidence and leadership our roles require.

Failing to value our diverse qualities, men and women miss out on God’s complementary design.

              Some women balk at the idea of a “supportive role” and being called “a helper.” Many become furious at the mandate to submit. I know outside a relationship of equality, these circumstances are demeaning and miserable. This is not God’s intent.

In his book, enGendered, Presbyterian pastor Sam Andreades (2015) acknowledges the equality of men and women within the boundaries of Biblical roles, describing them as asymmetrical (p. 88). He maintains that confusing asymmetry as inequality has created considerable heartache, misunderstanding, and unhealthy patterns of relating to the opposite sex. According to God’s design, in marriage, the asymmetry of men and women should be what makes their union strong!  This is because, by design, we are all unique, and most fulfilled as we serve one another according to our strengths!

The Way of Grace: “As If”

Read the following aloud:

“Husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding and patient way, AS with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honour AS a coheir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7

              For many who’ve read this verse, what stands out is the “weaker vessel” statement in the middle. Set aside this focus for a moment and look broadly at this passage. To discern God’s point of view on the roles of men and women, consider the word “as,” which is used twice in this passage. It is the Greek word “hōs” and is sometimes translated “like,” “as it were,” and “as though.”[5] It is also the Greek word of choice for the account of Jesus addressing the disciples’ question of “who is greatest in God’s kingdom?” (Matthew 18:3-4) Jesus said no one will see God’s kingdom without becoming “like” a child.

              “Hōs” is a word of comparison offered for understanding.  It does not indicate the reality of the objects being compared; rather, it provides a means to identify and understand how one might behave. Just as it is impossible for any adult to become a child, “hōs,” used in this verse, doesn’t require weakness from the beneficiary. Knowing the complexity of understanding between men and women, Peter provides a way for men to relate to women that requires the patience and understanding they were called to. His description was easy to comprehend, “As if she were weak!”

Identify the other truths contained in this passage.

• How is the husband to relate to his wife?
• What two statements sandwich the often-quoted “weaker” phrase?
• What is the wife called in this verse?
• Which does this sound like to you? An equal calling An unequal calling

              The ability to establish equality in a marriage will depend on which aspect of this verse is considered most strongly: weaker vessel or fellow heir. “Weaker vessel” doesn’t sound too equal! But to be “understanding and patient” with a “fellow heir” places women right up there! Consider the final statement in this verse. What happens when a husband chooses not to address those things which are upsetting to his wife?

Filling in the blanks, husbands should “… grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, ________________ _________________ ________________ __________________ will not _____________ _______________________.”

              This truth shouts of great value and gender equality! What Peter says is not a statement about wives that can be broadly applied. Rather, it is a statement of clarity for a husband to evaluate his behavior. There are consequences for not valuing one’s wife. Since God views us as equal and fellow heirs, “hōs” is an essential means of comparison for a husband to evaluate how they might effectively interact with their wife. “Hōs” is an essential “as if.”

“As If” is the way of grace, and views the person from the position of his or her God created potential.

              Women wear many hats: managers, counselors, teachers, providers, nurturers, lovers, and friends. It takes quite a bit of neglect and abuse to shut a woman down. Women get on with life despite difficulty, and very many are reputed to “make it happen” when it comes to family, business, and careers. “As with a weaker vessel” cannot be applied universally to women’s physique or strength of character. Exercising their strengths and God-given abilities, women are motivated to act as responders to their circumstances. Often relationships drive women, sometimes causing them to lose sight of task-oriented goals. As intensely as a man pursues his passionate drive, women are also passionate about theirs. This desire to connect in meaningful relationships with others is emotional and may be considered problematic. OR it may be a natural circumstance of her God-given strength!

              Just as the strength of a man’s drive may be considered his weakness, the strength of a woman’s drive may be considered hers. By God’s design, these “weaknesses,” in the strength of trust and understanding, fortify a couple’s relationship, lending strength to their marriage.

According to God’s design for marriage, asymmetry is what makes us strong, unique, and fulfilled as we serve one another according to our strengths.

              As responders, women’s roles and what they entail from one day to the next are changeable depending on the situations and people involved. Choose from the myriad life stressors. Whether a sick loved one, absent boss or partner, even life-changes that accompany failure or success, as events unfold and relationships develop, so also emotions ebb and flow with the change. A woman’s emotions are not weak in vitality; on the contrary! However, the role she fills may appear weak because of these emotions, and because the success and connectedness of her interactions often depend on others and are impacted by factors outside of her control.

              This passage presents a great principle to live by: As If. ‘As If’ is the way of grace. It views the person from the position of his or her God-created potential. The ‘As If” principle in a relationship establishes the ground for a graceful perspective and healthy relationship, regardless of circumstances.

Identify the “As If” principle in the following passages:

• Romans 5:8-11 God chooses to accept those who trust Him, As If… ____________________
• Matthew 5:38-47 We should show love and generosity to our enemies, As If… ____________________
• Ephesians 5:22 A wife should “hypotasso” her husband, As If… ____________________
• 1 Peter 3:7 A husband should relate to his wife, As If… ____________________

              Men are called to love their wives as an equal partner, without requiring them to be strong. To demand strength, when a situation requires emotion, voids connection and would undermine her God-given abilities and insight. In this, a couple misses out on God’s invitation for understanding, fulfillment, and blessing.

The ‘As If” principle establishes the ground for a graceful perspective and healthy relationship, regardless of circumstances.

Conclusion

              Jesus is our example. God desires you and me to be complete in our relationship with Him and one another. Fulfillment becomes a reality as we follow His example as a servant of others in the way of grace. Men, at the Father’s bidding, Jesus set aside personal needs and lay down His life, to meet the needs and pursue His relationship with the church. Women, though He was Immanuel and The Great I Am, Jesus accepted His role under the Father’s authority. The roles of our Triune God are equally important, there is purpose in God’s asymmetry, power in His diversity, and understanding in His perspective. He is to be respected in the way that He also chooses to respect. We were created to live together in the way of the Trinity.

              Serving one another, building on our differences, we emulate the way God functions in the relationships of the Trinity. Maintaining this perspective is the way of grace. Accepting our roles and living together in unity such as the Trinity, we’ll experience a life of great purpose consistent with His plan.

              Maybe you are a wife who cannot begin to imagine your husband applying this scriptural passage to the emotional and physical intimacy of your relationship. Or perhaps you are a man who has been unable to motivate your wife to respond positively to your leadership. Possibly you are single and considering the way forward and how God’s purposes are displayed in your life. God has placed in you the hope for something better because it exists! God is God Almighty and able to do abundantly, above, all we could even ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). Truly, how great is that?! He will accomplish His plan in His time as you wait on Him and follow His lead.

Time for Reflection

Consider the following thoughts on your own, or with a trusted friend. Then take some time to pray.

• If you are single, what are the significant relationships God has placed in your life right now? What are the ways you can serve and encourage others?
• What marriages have affected your concept of the roles for men and women? Have these modeled relationships which mutually regarded the opposite sex?
• If you are married, pray for your spouse and yourself, ask God to prepare each of you and soften your hearts to practice Trinitarian Love.
• What are the ways you can best serve your spouse? Discuss what it looks like to nourish, cherish and respect one another.
• How can asymmetry in marriage become a practical means of valuing our differences?
• Explain how the ‘As If’ principle make sense of the “weaker vessel” phrase in 1 Peter 3:7?
• Ask God to help you reflect Trinitarian Functioning in the whatever role He’s placed you.

[1] Hirsch, D. (2015). Redeeming Sex: Naked Conversations About Sexuality and Spirituality. Downers Grove. InterVarsity Press. Kindle Edition. (pp. 60-61).

[2] Ephesians 5 (King James Version, Strong’s enabled). Retrieved from http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Eph&c=5&p=0&rl=0&ss=1&t=KJV

[3]Mackie, T. (2010). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UFP1GmDdow&feature=youtu.be

[4] Apple Inc. (2005-2014). Dictionary: Version 2.2.1 (171).

[5] G5613 – hōs – Strong’s Greek Lexicon (KJV). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org//lang/Lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?Strongs=G5613&t=KJV

Cited In Text

Andreades S. (2015). enGendered: God’s Gift of Gender Difference in Relationship. Wooster. Weaver Book Company.NOOK book version. (Pg 88).

Hirsch D. (2015). Redeeming Sex: Naked Conversations About Sexuality and Spirituality. Downers Grove. InterVarsity Press. Kindle Edition. (p. 53).

Unpublished work. Copyright 2026, Greg and Carlene Seghers